Dog Day Afternoon

Had an incredible day w/ Shemaya yesterday...

I was meeting w/ a Shaman, Leslie Gray. So I decided to make a day of it w/ Shemaya. It was our first day doing something like this.

On our way down to San Francisco, we stopped at the mall in Corte Madera. We discovered this fountain that spurted water out of the ground. I couldnt resist allowing her to play. I just couldn't stop laughing.

I do wish I had pictures of our hike afterwards on Mt Tam. I discovered an old oak that I climbed into. That old oak spoke to me about strength & softness. And about crawling into her arms whenever I need to....

Here are some sweet pictures of Shemaya trying to catch the water spurting up out of the ground.....

Conflict AVOIDANCE

Wow! I had SUCH a day yesterday!!

My teacher, Angeles Arrien speaks ALOT about conflict avoidance. And I have had a tremendous opportunity to look at that & how & where that has affected my life & my relationships.

I had a friendship that I held very dear to my heart where I got the biggest opportunity to look at this behavior of mine. The friendship finally ended because I didn't want to be treated the way that I was being treated any more. When I looked back at different times in the friendship & the things I allowed, I had to see where I was an equal participant in that.

I avoid controlling people like the plague! Then this year at my Vision Quest I got paired w/ someone that was over the top controlling & pushy. Afterwards when discussing the situation w/ Angeles, she said "People who are conflict avoidant are uncomfortable w/ controlling people" That was SUCH an eye opening heart opening thing to hear & take a look at. The shift in that moment was TREMENDOUS!

Shifts take time to integrate. I started looking at each relationship where I had experienced this. Even w/ acquaintances. And where I allowed my self doubt to take over & run the show. That is never a good recipe for healthy relationships. No wonder I became so isolated & confused.

So I had to learn a new behavior. I made a commitment to myself to share when something was uncomfortable to me. Even when I knew that it wouldn't go over well. Even when I knew that it would bring on loss of some kind.

Yesterday, I worked w/ a friend in her booth at an Art Fair. I had done this one other time & had noticed some business practices that made me horribly uncomfortable. I wasn't sure so I didn't say anything. Then when I saw it going on yesterday, I offered a suggestion when she went into a rant about a few customer's response to this practice. She REFUSED to consider putting prices on her pieces. That is when I knew that she knew exactly what she was doing. I ended up taking the chicken shits way out by jumping at the opportunity to leave when business was SO slow.

As I drove away I began to look & consider what was being presented to me & how I was handling it. The way that I have handled situations like that in the past is to absolutely avoid that person from then on. Not answering phone calls etc. Never addressing the situation. Feeling that it is not my business how someone runs their business.

I still don't know how I will handle it. I don't know if I will call her & say something. Or if I will address it when she calls. But I am no longer *afraid* of saying something.

So then fast forward to last night...I went dancing. There is a woman that I have had a crush on for over 14 years. She is my type. Feminine. Touchy. Beautiful. But another thing that I had noticed about her was that she can be controlling. So I had released any past fantasy about how I would love the opportunity to sweep her off her feet. Plus she was self professed into butch women. So end of story.

Well, last night she said she was dating. And then she asked me out on a date. And I said yes.

This morning I was looking at this & the story I had been telling myself about all of this. I started looking again at what Angeles said to me. I began to wonder how my world might be different if I began to show up instead of shrivel around people that take control. I have known for some time that I needed to work on changing that behavior. I knew that I didn't want this behavior modeled to these teenage girls that I will be fostering. AND I knew that I wanted to not just eliminate or react to these people in my life. I want to learn how to EFFECTIVELY show up.

Deepening Into Being

I haven't been here much lately. (For those reading this note on Facebook, this is from my blog post)

There is SO much emerging for me lately. After writing my post last week, I was thrust even deeper into my journey. It has been AMAZING to say the least. I don't know too many people that understand the self exploration work that I am involved in. And that is okay. I am learning that. Maybe it will plant a seed. And maybe it is not for that person. Yet still I must write. For that one person that this is meant for. Or possibly more.

I have been shy & inhibited my whole life. I had a friend in the past few years that didn't believe that. That is because it was the first time that I was around someone where I wasn't that way. Where I was safe enough to be myself. Until it wasn't safe anymore....

But what is safety? Another friend & I have been talking about this lately. Will we truly come forward even when it doesn't *feel* safe? Will we stop being so conflict avoidant? A question posed to us by my teacher Angeles Arrien. Will we be courageous enough to speak the truth even when it is not popular opinion?

As I step forward into birthing my dream of discovering the home & the property where I will foster teens, etc., I am sent on my own inner journey. And it is AMAZING! And scary at times....

Last week as I wrestled w/ the medical bill that had gone to collections & all that was surfacing from that, I knew there was a deeper meaning to that presenting itself at this time. Little did I know where that was going to take me.

It is such a LONG story. And it could be a book some day. But for now I will see if I can put it in a nutshell.

Last Friday was powerful beyond measure. Starting w/ my first dream of my dad since his death over 6 years ago. It was SO vivid! Then there was a powerful sequence of events that until I spent some writing at the end of the day, I had NO idea how powerful it was.

It was ALL to lead me to a point of looking at an issue that I didn't know I had. Adoption. Loss. Abandonment. I tho't my loss & abandonment issues had to do w/ my mother who raised me. The word adoption was just a word to me. With VERY little meaning to me. Until last year.

I began to look at it last year when I was going thru the Foster Care classes & orientation. It was amazing what surfaced there. Of what I had the opportunity to look at.

Then fast forward to last Friday night of receiving a message from someone that I hadn't met yet on Facebook. I had replied to a post about Ancestors & just made mention of being adopted. I received this beautiful e-mail from this woman that reached right into my heart & soul. Right past the barriers that I didn't know I even had.

Angeles speaks sometimes of 'Important Strangers'. And this was DEFINITELY one of those!! If there was any possibility of doubt, the synchronicities & similarities were unavoidable. Like her living in Colorado. And already having a trip planned to this tiny town of mine a week later. Then her knowing someone that I not only have sat next to in class w/ Angeles, but was paired w/ as a Vision Quest partner. To our birthdays being 18 days apart the same year. And the list goes on.

As I said adoption has just been a word to me. When I first heard that I was in 4th grade, I remember running around the playground saying 'I'm adopted. I'm adopted' So little did I know the feelings that ran beneath that. Or more to the point, what that baby felt leaving her mother's arms. Or the tumultuousness that baby felt before ever being birthed. And how all of that tied into the messages I would end up giving myself about the journey that lay before me.

I am only beginning to scratch the surface of that. As I said, this may be a book. Time will tell....

Last year, I began to discover why this passion for working w/ teens runs SO deep w/in me. I discovered that I have been a foster kid in essence my whole life. I related to ALL the moves in residence, the not belonging any where, the not having one safe place to turn to, to never having someone to turn to or understand, ALL the separation, ALL the anxiety...

This week has meant the world to me. I began to uncover & discover why I have been SO deeply there for those that I love. Because I needed that. I didn't know how to say that. So I did it. For others. I was SO deeply ashamed of needing that at all.

When I reached my point of utter despair in December, this all tied in. I didn't know. Until I began to write about last Friday. And I began to understand this guidance that was guiding me there. I began to look deeper at everything that had transpired this last year. It played out like a play before me. Teaching me SO much about my self....about others....

And about the work that is birthing in me.

I am truly grateful for each & every single piece of this....

It propelled me on this journey....thru blogging....thru Facebook....to discovering others who are on a similar path of self discovery....

To discovering SO much more about myself....

Our culture wants to ignore or get over the painful feelings. Sometimes those feelings, when felt, are really our gateways to such deeper awarenesses that can transform our lives....

Shaken At My Core

I got some news the other day that shook me at my core!

An $8000 medical bill that I am unable to pay has gone to collections. I had set up a payment plan w/ them. But I had made an error in the due date. So 3 days after the due date I received a notice from a collection agency.

I received it on Saturday. Of course when I can't make any phone calls to possibly clear it up. By Sunday, I was in terror. I had never had this happen before. Other than a past partner in a business screwing up & not having the money & all of my funds being removed from MY account 2 or 3 years after leaving the business.

I have learned tho' that EVERYTHING comes bearing gifts. No matter what it is, there has been a beautiful unfoldment. But it doesn't mean it doesn't suck!!!

Even w/ making payments, this was a hardship for me. My massage business since I closed my boutique & spa has been terrifyingly slow. But I knew it was just opening me towards moving into my dream. Of fostering teens & creating a retreat property.

When I discovered that the place that I am in wouldn't qualify, I began looking for a larger place to live. I was reaching because I no longer looked good on paper. Yet I knew that if this was meant to be, that it would happen. I didn't know how, but I believed that someone would take the risk w/ me because they believed in & wanted to support what I want to do.

Then this happened. What if they took all of my rent money out of my account? And numerous other scenarios kept me captive. I had to look at it ALL. I realize many say focus on the positive. And I have learned that I need to look at all of it & FEEL all of it. Even the things I most fear, so that I can discover what I would do if the worst case scenario happened. AND also so I discover its purpose in showing up in the first place. It is a painful & terrifying process sometimes.

What I learned from these past few days has been immense....

First to be shaken like that really awakened me to HOW passionate I am about my dream. I knew & yet it deepened.

I also discovered that I had possibly compromised. Or was playing small. I just wanted to get into a home & get started. And THEN develop the non-profit. I wasn't quite sure even why I as a foster parent would need a non-profit & ALL that that entails. I do now. So I will begin that in the next few days.

I'm on Facebook & received alot of support & supportive ideas that I need to take a look into.

One of the biggest gifts that came from this was changing the words of what I needed from support to involvement. It was huge for me to ask for support in the first place. It is not a place I have known in my life. That has been changing in the past several months thru my blog & thru Facebook. But the word involvement evolved out of the last few days.

There is also something else. In finally advertising on my blog, I discovered an advertisement that Santa Clara County pays $1200 per child. That is a far cry from Sonoma County's $525 per child. Or even the $825 per child that the agency that I am considering going thru pays. With me considering doubling my rent from $950 to $2000, this is something worth looking at. I need to do some more researching, I'm just not sure where to start.

One of my biggest fears that emerged in this process was if I am struggling to pay my bills & live now, how do I think I am going to do this? I have learned over & over again to open to the questions & truly ask them. That is how I came to the place of the involvement & to realizing I need more money to do what I am doing, etc. Also, if I am struggling already, how am I going to even stay in the place I am now when I have to pay $300 heating bills this winter? So I became awakened to a time line.

I think one of my biggest awarenesses that came out of the last few days was how fearful I still was about what people think of me or my dream. I became aware of some residuals of things said in the past or done in the past. And the shame that I was still carrying even when it had to do w/ someone else's behavior. I need to do some writing about that.

AND I just need to keep putting myself out there. I need to keep 'Risking the Reach' as Dawna Markova says. That is part of this process. That thing that I hear from so many women when they are doing something completely new that they are completely invested in....Those inner questions that question "What if they discover I am a fraud?" Is it truly fraudulent to reach past everything that you have ever known...reach past EVERY comfort zone....& do something COMPLETELY different....to reach for what is calling you.....

One last thing, I have always been a supporter. Supporting those around me. I never knew I was a leader. I look back now & discover that I have been all along. The fears & the doubts & the low self esteem & even the supporting others, is all evidence of disowned leadership skills. I ran across a school on leadership the other day. I am going to set up an appointment w/ my teacher Angeles Arrien & see what she has to say. She has a wonderful network. And I know that she can help me & guide me in the right direction.

Who knew that a collection notice could lead me to such great awarenesses?? I encourage everyone not to just tell yourself or someone else to think positively. Sometimes the most positive thing that we can do is open the inquiry into the emotions that are emerging. Not just discounting them. But truly discovering what they are there to teach us....

AMERICA

I have been so moved by different movies I have watched lately. One of those movies is 'America' on Lifetime. This is the 2nd time I've watched it. Rosie O'Donnell is a therapist that helps a troubled teen in the foster care system confront his painful past. She also acts as executive producer. It is amazing & a must watch. The part in this movie that stops me every time is her words at the end.

Foster~ It means to support, to encourage, to sustain, to cherish. It's very first meaning was to feed or nourish. That seems pretty simple.All a kid needs is one person to hang on to. One person to SEE them. To listen. To care. To show up. CONSISTENTLY. ONE person. That is what I believe.

Maybe I'm naive, but I think in a country like ours, we can do better. We MUST. These kids don't belong to somebody else. These kids belong to ALL of us. They are America's children. They ARE America!

There are more than half a million kids in foster care in America. Once they reach 18 & age out of the system, only 2 out of 10 will make it. The others will end up homeless, in prison or dead.

I wish I had a recording of her words. The impact when she spoke these words is immeasurable! I knew that need of needing one person to hold on to & I wasn't in the foster care system. When are we going to stop & realize that we CAN do better. That these kids DO belong to us.

When are we going to stop waiting for the government to act. We go to foreign countries & help. We don't wait for that government to help. WE go do it. We formulate organizations. We raise money. We travel. We build schools in other countries.

It seems to me because our government takes SOME responsibility w/ our kids, we just roll over. We go back to sleep. We don't see the need. Or if we do, we still wait for the government. WE ARE the government. Don't you see that?

Please help me! I need to get into a larger home so that I can start taking these kids in. So I can start working w/ them. Helping them discover their gifts. It is my belief, that the kids that have been thru the greatest turmoil have the greatest gifts. They just need help discovering & uncovering them. They need ONE person. Tho', I am calling in a tribe!

I need help to formulate a non-profit. I need help w/ learning to apply for grants. I need help in finding the property that I am meant to do this on. I need help raising money.Trying to sell my inventory that I still have from my store is not moving fast enough. I need ideas. I need people. I need a spiritual tribe doing this w/ me.

If you feel moved by this in any way, let me know. Let me know the piece you might have.

I am currently looking for property to rent & eventually purchase if possible here in the Russian River area & Sebastopol & the Healdsburg area. My dream is to be on 40 acres here in the redwoods. I always dreamed of it being on a ridgetop looking out over ridge after ridge of redwood trees. I am looking at 3 bedroom 2 bath, but would LOVE 4 bedrooms. I want a large OLD barn. A place to have gatherings & retreats & do art & music & dance & put on performances that the kids want to do. It needs to be magical! I will know it when I see it & when I walk the earth there.

I had no idea that I was going to write all of this. But if I reach one person that can help me, I will be ecstatic!

In the foster care system when working w/ teens, you need to choose girls or boys. I choose girls. I had a vision when I was sitting in a circle of women last October. I saw myself in a circle of 30 girls. Holding counsel w/ them. Listening to them. Inspiring them. Encouraging them to discover what their unique gift is that they came into this world to do. I have that ability to look beneath all the outer layers to what is truly trying to emerge.I have enough love in this heart of mine to embrace them in my wings.To believe in them until they can believe in themselves........

Letting Go.....

I just got done massaging a 20 year old girl. Her back was as bad as the lawyer's backs I work on. Lawyer's backs are the worst backs I work on.

I began my inquiry about what she does, etc. She then said "I stress too much. I just need to let things go" A plethora of information began to download for me. My Spirit Guides do that w/ me sometimes.

I continued to work on her, while all this information came flooding thru. Then finally in the last 5 minutes of her 30 minute massage, I began to explore further. I asked her what she stressed about. In 5 minutes we had the most powerful conversation.

The thing that amazed me was her first response was "I just need to let things go". Is that our alma mater as a country? I wonder how many times we say that to ourselves or others in a day.

We are taught to ignore everything. If it is pain in our back, we are taught to buck up. We are taught that a high threshold to pain is something to brag about. We just ignore the pain & work harder. I could go on & on here. Athletes are taught to move into the pain & not in a healthy way.

What was coming thru was the fact that the first thing we say to ourselves or others when we are stressed is to let it go. There are times when that is appropriate. But not w/o further inquiry first.

It is like telling our emotional body that it has no value. It's like telling a little kid to hush before you have listened to what they are trying to say or what is making them cry. What if there is really something wrong?

Why do you think that our economy is the way it is? We have hushed our needs so much that it comes out in other ways.

Last Summer I was waking up w/ immense anxiety in the mornings. I had never been like this. I just wanted to jump out of bed & do something or meditate or anything to distract me from it. My Spirit Guides asked me "Can you just stop & feel this? Can you open dialogue w/ it? Ask it questions like 'why are you here?' etc. It became such a powerful time for me. I learned SO much.

Pain in our backs is telling us that we need to do something differently. Pain is our friend. It is our signal that something is wrong. Whether it is physical pain or emotional pain.

Is it that your sadness is lingering because you need to be held?
Is your upset w/ your friend or mate a signal of a limitation that needs to be set?
Are you staying at a job that is robbing you of all of your life force thru all the stress that goes on there?
What if your stress in college was telling you that your heart isn't in what you are majoring in?
What if the kids in school are too abusive & need to (fill in the blank here)? What comes to mind is Columbine.

We need to stop ignoring what bothers us. Or atleast check in instead of dismissing it.

There are way too many anti depressants prescribed because we are not taught how to address what we are feeling.

Even if someone does really need to let it go, maybe they need someone to help them. Maybe they don't know how. Why do we get so angry at them?

I have learned over & over, that if I begin to ask the feelings questions, I learn so much. And then, they no longer need to stay.

Shemaya's First Swim

These are pictures of Shemaya's very first swim in the river. She loved it! Me too!

And here is her gardening picture before the river...........